i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
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She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
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Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
So here I am, sexting at work.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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