does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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