first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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