capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
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My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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