proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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