I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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