when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
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there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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