I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
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I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
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Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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