I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
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Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
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They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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