My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize