New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
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He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
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I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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