so that wasnt chicken after all
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
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My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
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You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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