Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
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she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
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