the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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