i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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