he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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