well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
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And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
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I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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