I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize