How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
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She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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