I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
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I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
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Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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