Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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