My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
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I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
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Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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