you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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