20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
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