The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
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I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
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The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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