I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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