Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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