all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
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From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
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Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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