I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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