I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
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Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
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We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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