i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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