The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize