We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
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Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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