I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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