Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
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You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
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My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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