She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
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My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
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She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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