i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
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Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
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You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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