cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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