I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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