That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
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I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
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Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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