i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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