I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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