My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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