I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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