Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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