Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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