I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
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We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
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Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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