she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize