well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
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Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
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Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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