I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
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